So much is written these days about loss. Losing loved ones is hard and adjusting afterward may be the biggest challenge.
Three years out of four, 2006-2010, I lost my mother, my beloved mother-in-law and an adored aunt who was a great friend. All in the month of November. Each time as the end drew near, I had friends and family by my side.
After a death, everyone comes for the funeral and to the house afterward with food and words of comfort. People cry with you, hold your hand and share memories. That is as it should be. But the support often ends there...while your real adjustment hasn't even begun.
The loneliest part of losing loved ones occurs afterward, when you miss them everyday.
Although it has been more than five years since my mother died, walking in the park in the fall, I have to stop myself from bending down to gather colorful leaves to send to her. I sent the leaves in weekly letters through her last fall days in Florida.
I was very close to my mother-in-law, closer than to my mother. I trusted her and loved her. If I needed something for the children, all I had to do was ask and Ruth's reply was, "what size, what color?" Not long after a package would arrive from Eddie Bauer or Land's End. No one enjoyed stories about our children more than Ruth did or visiting an exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art with us.
Every week, I pass the place my aunt, Nan, and I would go for lunch after the movies. I always think about her and our fun times. She'd have loved my books but she didn't live long enough to read them.
Then there are the holidays, your children's milestones, like high school graduation, college acceptance, the school play, a piano or dance recital that your loved one is not there to share.
Get to the point, Jean! If you have a friend who lost a loved one, don't forget him or her. Months or even years after the loss, it helps to have coffee with a friend who says, "Hey, bet you still miss your mom," and then happily sits and listens to a story or two. It's those days when your ear will be extra valuable. Call a friend. Share a coffee. Mourning is an ongoing process.
Three years out of four, 2006-2010, I lost my mother, my beloved mother-in-law and an adored aunt who was a great friend. All in the month of November. Each time as the end drew near, I had friends and family by my side.
After a death, everyone comes for the funeral and to the house afterward with food and words of comfort. People cry with you, hold your hand and share memories. That is as it should be. But the support often ends there...while your real adjustment hasn't even begun.
The loneliest part of losing loved ones occurs afterward, when you miss them everyday.
Although it has been more than five years since my mother died, walking in the park in the fall, I have to stop myself from bending down to gather colorful leaves to send to her. I sent the leaves in weekly letters through her last fall days in Florida.
I was very close to my mother-in-law, closer than to my mother. I trusted her and loved her. If I needed something for the children, all I had to do was ask and Ruth's reply was, "what size, what color?" Not long after a package would arrive from Eddie Bauer or Land's End. No one enjoyed stories about our children more than Ruth did or visiting an exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art with us.
Every week, I pass the place my aunt, Nan, and I would go for lunch after the movies. I always think about her and our fun times. She'd have loved my books but she didn't live long enough to read them.
Then there are the holidays, your children's milestones, like high school graduation, college acceptance, the school play, a piano or dance recital that your loved one is not there to share.
Get to the point, Jean! If you have a friend who lost a loved one, don't forget him or her. Months or even years after the loss, it helps to have coffee with a friend who says, "Hey, bet you still miss your mom," and then happily sits and listens to a story or two. It's those days when your ear will be extra valuable. Call a friend. Share a coffee. Mourning is an ongoing process.
So true- my Mom's birthday is Feb 2. Been thinking about her a lot- especially since I now have a grandson- I keep thinking how much she would have loved him and laughed- She died April 11, 2007. She had Alzheimers and had just moved into an Alzheimer home- we were lucky she never forgot who we were- we didn't have to go through that- God took her before... It was a blessing especially for her. Her one fear was that she'd loose her mind like her mother - one day her heart just stopped beating- I miss her.
ReplyDeleteMy mother had Alzheimer's too and lung cancer. I'm glad the cancer got her before she totally lost her mind. That is such a painful disintegration to watch. She must have been a good person to have been spared a worse death.
DeleteThese are beautiful thoughts. I lost my mother when I was six and I still miss her every day. I also lost my precious, beautiful 15 year old dog six weeks ago and the pain has been awful. I am so lucky I have friends and family who still call and talk about her and ask how I am doing. I am grateful for their support. The important thing for anybody who has lost a loved one is that the loss, the emptiness is real. Having others acknowledge it really helps. It's nice to know people care.
ReplyDeleteWow! To lose your mom at six...what a horrible thing. I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes, losing a beloved pet can be heartbreaking. I have lost quite a few and found it wrenching each time. Friends can help to make loss easier. Glad to know your friends are helping.
DeleteJean,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Grieving really is a lonely business. This upcoming October my Dad will be gone 7 years. I think the hardest part of mourning is helping young children go through the process. You have to process your own feelings and help them with theirs. My boys were in 8th and 4th grades when Dad passed. He was the first really close person to my boys that had passed away. All of the 8th grade milestones were really hard for everybody - choosing a high school, Confirmation and Graduation especially.
Even harder was helping the 4th grader. He really went into a funk. He loved singing but quit choir. He told me he had lost his voice. I told him that this was the way he was grieving and it was okay. His voice would come back to him when he was ready.
My boys and I still talk about my Dad a lot, which helps. When the milestones come up they always ask if Dad would be proud. I always tell them of course he would be.
Great post!!
Lori
My boys suffered, too. Kids have an even harder time understanding death. We keep them alive by telling funny stories from time to time. I think it helps them. Hope your boys find a good way to cope.
DeleteA long time ago someone said to me that time heals all wounds. Well, the truth of the matter is that it doesn't. You just get used to it. And you gain some distance. But in the day-to-day, if that person was close to you, you're going to feel their lack of presence in your life no matter how much time has gone by. Wishing you peace to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteA touching post, Jean. We lose people we love, but they'll always live on in our hearts.
ReplyDelete